18/12/2022
When I was beginning to like the world, to have every day busy and a million plans, You take me to the desert. And there, in the middle of nowhere, You, My God, are silent. And You say nothing to me. How much I wanted to be alone with You and listen! The silence, to which I am not very accustomed, overwhelms me. My head starts spinning over that long list of things to do and looks for answers. But nothing, only silence. And I realize that I was so busy thinking about the future that I was not aware of my present, nor did I reflect on my past. That I was doing things badly and halfway, and on top of that, I didn’t care. And it is that “when one thinks they are finding their place in the world, in reality it is the world that finds its place in them” (The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis). My heart was hardening, I was insensitive to everything, to evil and to good. My sins did not hurt me and neither did your daily gifts amaze me.
In the silence and in the presence of My Christ, vulnerable in a piece of bread, You touch my heart. You remind me that You are there, that You let Yourself be eaten for me to save me. You undo my heart in Your Hands and tell me that I aspire to much more than that long list of things. That You have made me Daughter of God, that my destiny is heaven and not this world. And You give me back my ability to love, to suffer, to cry; only You are capable of that, of making me more alive and human. Only You are capable of resurrecting me and transfiguring my ears, my eyes, my tongue, my hands, and my heart.
Shortly after, on December 25, You come as a sign of contradiction (Lk 2:34). Divinity becomes flesh. The King of Kings gets lost among the poor. The light of eternal clarity hides in the darkness of a stable, with no heat or lighting other than that of the stars. I am fascinated to contemplate this mystery. A whole God in a newborn, so vulnerable, so dependent, so sweet. And I don’t understand anything. But then I know that I am already tired of the beach, that I also want to be a sign of contradiction. I want to throw myself into the tide and swim against the current. That to be up to Your Will, I have to humble myself. That to hear Your Words, I have to silence my thoughts. That to adore You, I don’t need gold or riches. That to please You, I don’t have to do anything but let You do everything. That to earn Your Trust, I have to lose what makes me feel safe. And to gain eternity, I don’t need any of the comforts of the world. That to shine in Your Eyes, it is better to go unnoticed by the eyes of others. And to give You glory, I don’t need applause or praise. That when everyone rejects me, You will receive me. And that when my heart cries and suffers, You will give me a strong heart, that bleeds and truly feels. That for Your power to manifest, I have to show my weakness. And for You to work miracles in my life, I cannot have everything under control, but live by Your providence. The healthy do not need a doctor, but the sick do. And my heart is sick.
Lord, now I want to leave the shore. And I am not going to ask You to throw me straight into the tide and surf every wave, because it would be difficult and I would swallow a lot of water. The first thing I ask You is to help me desire the tide, to dare to grab Your hand and let You set the pace. Even if sometimes I step back on the shore, With You I will walk on water.
