MY TRANSFIGURED SELF.
Here I am sitting before You again. I think I am still not fully aware of everything You have done in me during this God Stop (and You continue doing every day).
This God Stop has been a rediscovery of my Truth. Who I am. Yes, who I am. Presenting myself before You just as I am. The other day while praying, I was thinking about the Gospel passages where You heal the sick, the paralyzed, the blind, the lame…
How did they approach You? Without hiding, without disguising their blindness, without pretending to be anything other than what they were: sick, lepers, lame, or blind.
The God Stop begins. First talk: “a broken and humbled heart, You do not despise it.” “You like a sincere heart.” “Pure heart” “I will give you a new heart.”
These words kept echoing in my head all weekend: sincere heart, new heart, pure heart, humbled, broken. And there I realized that for a long time, if not my whole life, I had been presenting myself and coming to You covering up what I did not accept about myself, what I do not like about me. How foolish I have been.
How could You heal the leper, blind, or lame if they did not show You they were sick?
How will You heal me if I do not show my wounds?
How will You resurrect me if I do not acknowledge that I am dead?
This God Stop has been confirming a truth: that I am dead! But what joy because only by recognizing myself as dead can You resurrect me. You have shown me my deaths, my weakness, my failures, my fears, my insecurities, my sins, my wounded heart to remind me that You are eager to resurrect me.
Resurrect me. Yes, me who has always wanted to come to You from perfection, from security, hiding what I do not like, what I want to change, showing a self that was not real, with masks, makeup, with a “everything is great,” “I have no problems,” fulfilling what was asked of me, acting according to what others expected of me…
You have told me that my humbled and broken heart You do not despise. I do, but You do not. I do, but You do not. I hide it, pretend, disguise, but You are passionate about my humbled heart because that is when You can enter me and resurrect me. And that is what You have done with me this weekend.
I am dead, but I have been able to recognize it and then everything changed: You have shown me my deaths to enter deep into my heart, break everything, and show me my transfigured self. In this God Stop I have been very aware that You do not want me to be something I am not; moreover, You have not taken away any of my deaths, nor have You changed the reality I have had to live, You simply want to resurrect all that and transfigure it. I neither lack nor have in excess anything. All my deaths serve to make me realize how much I need You to RESURRECT me.
I have truly felt how You freed me from my deaths, how You can resurrect everything that enslaves me and transfigure it. Now I can live in my Truth. Without being anything other than what You want me to be. What freedom. What joy. What peace. What beauty.
All of me, completely free and now yes, fully surrendered. Now I can live without fear of surrendering, without fear of leaving the shore and diving in. The time to stay on the shore is over. Now I am free to follow You, to live everything in a transfigured way, to immerse myself in my Truth and to follow the One who is the Truth.
Thank you Don Miguel. Thanks to the fools who took such good care of us. Thank You Lord for Hakuna.
Thank you Mother: with You I only know how to say yes.
