How was I thirsty? (INDIA 2018)

<<< 09/30/2018 TSAJENÀ: I was lost, alone, in the dark, the only thing that mattered to me was my well-being, my clothes, me with myself... nothing fulfilled me, nothing made me feel, nothing and no one mattered to me. For a long time, God was just an accessory to me, something that had always been there but distant, not essential, not a crazy lover, but an all-powerful and unreachable father. A few days before the trip, I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t take it anymore, I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was suffocating. Then someone told me: “you are thirsty for God,” at that moment I didn’t quite understand what they meant because I thought I had everything: grades, family, clothes, everything one could wish for. I arrived in India with the purpose of having a good time, meeting people to keep filling that void and well, to see what this thirst was about, but thinking it was just a simple religious phrase and nothing that could fill me or be real. I’m going to talk about 4 words that would define this experience: surrender, love, sacrifice, and gratitude. The first day I got up early after a tough trip, and I only saw smiles, gestures of affection, surrender, that’s when I started to freak out, it was 8 in the morning, terrible heat and brutal sleepiness, how could they smile? For what? But that’s not the best part, I entered the chapel of the Mother’s House for the Holy Hour that afternoon without really knowing what I was going to find and suddenly I saw hundreds of young people praying, but not like I had seen before, each on their own and praying a little just to fulfill it, no, they were singing from the heart, they were giving their all after such a hard day, they were shouting ALL TOGETHER, love was in the air, they were one voice worshiping a monstrance, they looked at it with so much love it seemed they were going to get up and hold it in their arms. To top off my amazement, the voiceover came and I heard: “THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE,” who were these people who instead of asking for their worries or fears asked that we love each other more? Us, 193 strangers! On this trip I was also lucky to interact with the sisters and that completely changed me, never in my life had I seen more sincere smiles than those nuns’, and they didn’t smile because they had everything especially, they were wearing habits in 50-degree heat, without air conditioning, barefoot, dealing with the sick all day, standing, kneeling, and the only rest they took was to pray, they forgot who they were just to serve others! And not begrudgingly like I might have done, on the contrary, with love. They taught me that the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least and certainly, they are the greatest example of surrender and love. I remember carrying a heavy bucket and after less than a meter, three people immediately came to offer me help with a smile, they wanted to carry MY bucket, I didn’t understand anything, why did people smile so much, why did they take on more work than they had to, for pleasure, when I was cursing having to carry it. The same happened on the train, where I had my pack of cookies and wipes for MYSELF, I remember secretly taking out my wipes to clean myself so they wouldn’t ask me, one time I ran out and had the nerve to ask the person next to me, I remember thinking: “how silly you are, she won’t give you any” and suddenly, against all odds, she pulled out a half-empty pack of wipes, there was one left and she offered it to me as the last one, I told her to use it herself and laughing she replied: “do you think Christ, when cleaning himself, would have left the other without cleaning? We are a family,” she was happy even without being able to clean herself. I was amazed, I had never seen so many people sacrifice themselves and out of love!!! Then I understood everything, it wasn’t MY bucket, it was OUR bucket, it wasn’t something I had to carry to fulfill myself and be better, no, it was something I did out of love for the group and for Christ reflected in each one, they weren’t my wipes, they were common wipes, it didn’t matter if I ran out because I had sacrificed out of love and without expecting anything in return, sacrifice and not exchange. Something you could see in how quickly the tobacco boxes flew because people always gave their last cigarette, not caring if they were left without one. That’s when I realized what all together meant, it wasn’t a Hakuna phrase they said just because, it was a feeling, it was surrender and sacrifice out of love, it was thinking of a we and shedding the I, it was belonging, it was being unique and not just one more, it was being a puzzle piece that alone is useless but without which the puzzle would make no sense. That’s when I started to live what Hakuna really was, I fell in love with God, my best friend, the poor crazy lover of me, as Sastre said, the first fool who was up on the cross for ME, out of LOVE for me. Who was I not to follow his steps? I wanted to be like Him, I wanted to love like Him. That’s when I understood why they asked to love each other more, that without love, nothing was the same and with love everything changed, I surrendered out of love for the rest, I suffered, I was hot, I had low moments, but every drop of sweat, every leg pain and every sacrifice made me happy, they filled me a little more. One night I entered the chapel to say goodbye to God, thinking I would be alone and suddenly I saw them, about 10 young people with guitars singing at full volume even at that hour. I heard the phrase “I want to be born again in you,” I repeated it and then I remembered, “you are thirsty for God” and indeed, I was thirsty for God, I was thirsty for love, I was thirsty for surrender, I was thirsty for belonging, I was thirsty to feel loved, I was thirsty for Him, my father, friend and faithful companion, the one who never failed me, and I saw it, I wanted to be born again, I wanted to start over, but in Him, with Him. Suddenly, all that emptiness and darkness that I hadn’t been able to get rid of for months had disappeared, I felt whole, I felt loved, I felt accompanied and I couldn’t stop crying and smiling. From the sisters I also learned the importance of being grateful, they started the day thanking God for the opportunity to live that day and at the end, after having given their all, after having suffered, they thanked again! How good it is to be grateful and how little it costs! That’s why, Thank you for this crazy trip, because I went to make friends and live an experience and I came back with an incomparable family and a weak God by my side. Thank you for teaching me that you have to love until it hurts and then keep loving because that gives happiness, for teaching me that everyone is unique and equally important, that God loves me as I am, thank you for teaching me the value of a smile, of surrender out of love, thank you for teaching me that without God, nothing fills and with Him, nothing matters, thank you for being who you are. THANK YOU. And thank you God for putting such spectacular people on my path, for giving me the opportunity to live Hakuna and above all, for quenching my thirst. I love you. >>>