Follow the steps

<<< 03/19/2020 Lord, You renew me every moment. I believe in You, I trust in You. Today I was asked who You are to me, and what came from my soul? Jesus, You are the love of my life. Without a doubt. I’m not referring to that fictitious romanticism from a movie, but You are the love present throughout my entire life. All the love I receive from my friends, my family, strangers, the beauty of nature, the plans, all that I give… That is all You. So today I confirm and affirm that You, Lord, are the love of my life. Wow, I’m left speechless. It’s like a high. How strange this feeling is! I am in love with You, I know it. I love You above all. You begin to see light, a path, and hope. You live in peace. But suddenly, everything darkens. The moment of truth arrives, you feel fear, dark thoughts come from your heart. You know the light exists, but you can’t glimpse it. Circumstances overwhelm you; all that world that previously praised God becomes cold, small, and makes your life impossible. How can you be so afraid? You beg to return to what was before, longing for that light, that peace. And then comes the moment to believe. But that faith, which you previously proclaimed to the four winds, where is it now? Then, you realize how hypocritical you are. You are left defenseless. How small you are! How can you, who believed you had great faith, who did a thousand things right, in the blink of an eye, feel fear? Is this when your faith is tested? Has everything you have learned about God been for nothing? Precisely, it is time to shout: "Lord, I am like this, the one who is afraid, that weak and helpless human being who needs Your help to live." You accept who you really are. But you receive no answer, this fear does not disappear and it won’t do so in a second. Instead, you have to carry it, as Jesus did on the cross. The torment lasts a while. You are a bundle of confusion and sensations that overwhelm you. You don’t know what to feel; you feel hope, but at the same time a terrifying fear, you know you have to love, but you don’t live that love. You don’t even know what to think anymore. So you decide to take refuge in Him. You see that you have to trust. Now you can only trust. Cling to God because He is with you, even if everything around is dark, He is there. Don’t think about what will happen, or what it will be. Now that phrase you have heard so many times, “I take refuge in You” makes sense. Simply believe and wait. Rest in the fear, in that suffering that won’t let you live. Writing it like this, I realize it seems very dark, a gloomy and desperate struggle. However, it is quite the opposite. As you abandon yourself in His arms and trust in Him. As you learn to suffer, releasing everything you carry inside. Accepting who you are. You begin to feel free and, I promise you, that is when you are happy. Still, I feel lost, confused, and scared. I feel grateful and blessed, but misunderstood. I feel and think so many things at once that I don’t believe I can hold so much in my head. Yes, I am afraid, but I have hope and at the same time faith. I patiently wait for time to pass and for it to slowly heal me. I cling fervently to faith. However, I don’t understand, I can’t grasp it. I have always understood everything I was taught the first time and I have always known how to explain it to others. But I feel disappointed in myself, how come when it really matters I haven’t been able to act on it? Because I am weak, because I am simply human, that makes me completely who I am. There you see the meaning of humility, you are able to open your heart. So I will keep it open, even if it is just so You can enter me. I don’t know how to get rid of this confusion that haunts my soul all day, but I have just understood, I have just realized. I don’t have to get rid of it, I have to accept it and believe. I only trust. I know everything will be fine, everything will go according to Your plans. So give me the ability, help me to be able to stay firm and not get disoriented. Because from here I can do nothing, simply learn to be me, learn to suffer as me. And I assure You, Lord, that I believe that following this path I am beginning to achieve it. So I am all Yours. From my own experience, I live with a hope that frightens. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but you see how people really don’t think like that. I am already enjoying the end of this quarantine, what I am going to do and how I am going to help those who have had a hard time. On the other hand, people can’t stand day to day, they complain about how slowly time passes and see how everything around is disastrous. That is why I emphasize the importance of giving thanks, continuously, for everything we have. Who would have said we would be at home with hot water, watching all the movies we want at all hours and being able to work in pajamas? Who would have told us that we would have the option to stock up on food in these delicate moments? I know the outlook is bleak, but I see hope, I see that light of God beyond. In these times we live in, with a global pandemic massacring the lives of so many people, I see light at the end of the road. I fully trust in You and I have hope. It is not just another day of quarantine, but one day less. I had never seen the glass half full, I have never been one of those people. However, here in this time I have been able to discover my weakness and I have seen the transforming power of Your mercy. I only know in whom I believe and in whom I trust. And no matter how much the world torments me, I will follow my path, simply, abandoning myself in Him. >>>